WHO SAID I MUST BE LIKE YOU?

Science tells us that ‘like items repel and unlike items attracts’. I believe we can learn a lot from this in determining or discovering our ideal partners.

I have seen lots of young relationships that have suffered terrible and unalterable destruction almost as soon as they were started, while several others have been strained because either the guy or the lady had or has some funny pictures in their heads of their dream partners; their desire was [and still is] to be with someone who is exactly like they are. As expected, people like this are always falling in and out of love.

Dear, you will never find anybody that’s like you, never. Even if manage to, you will never love the person for a relationship.

God Almighty is not a duplicator; He is a creator. He doesn’t make anybody to be the same with another. Even twins born of the same parents have their uniqueness and disparities; the disparities of some are so much that you doubt their ‘twin-ship’. How boring the world would be if we all were the same!

When I see a young man or a woman who says he wants someone who is like him or her, my conclusion always is that this person still has a weak outlook and should be advised, prevented or protected from entering a relationship else he/she is going to be a total disaster; their expectations reveals to that us neither of them will be able to keep a relationship.

The bliss we enjoy on this earth is due to our individualism. In other words, our uniqueness makes the world beautiful.

My definition of the world is: the wise conglomeration of several beautiful colours (humans) by a master artist (God).

So, why do you think either of you has a problem? From experience in counselling, I have discovered that many people don’t even know what’s good for them. You will need to speak with or listen to them to decode the ideal ‘materials’ their future demands. Most especially when it concerns issues like relationships. In my view, this generation needs lots of ‘start-up relationship counsellors’, just like we have ‘career counsellors’. People need to be advised about the all important issue of CHOOSING A MATE.

The fun of your relationship lies in your disparities, not your similarities. You need someone different from you; it will help you conquer and discover many things. If you are involved with someone who is everything you, your relationship will not have any shine and it will be very uninteresting. You are not that perfect anyway...

If we are too much alike, then I won’t be needing you; I need someone I can learn from. I need someone I will keep discovering; I need someone that will make tomorrow worth looking forward to. I need someone unique. I need someone who is comfortable in his/her own skin. I need someone I will appreciate; I need someone that will make me love me. I have got issues I need to change and correct – I DON’T NEED SOMEONE LIKE ME!

By the way, stop all those hallucination, imaginings and picture painting; there is no body like you out there. Too bad, God consciously did not make provisions for that in creation. He only created originals, no duplicates! Quit waiting for ‘second copy’ or look-alike. Your prayer should be: “Lord, give me the person that is best for me...” That’s all!

Change your perspective. I believe all you need to change is to change the way you see. Change your expectations of people. Stop being surprised they don’t think like you, talk like you, love like you, have fun like you, eat like you, etc.

Another term for communication is ‘brain modification’. As you get to understand your partner more, you will learn to appreciate your differences and discover how you can positively wire yourself around them. Relationship is all about brain modification.

Bottom line: if we really put our heads down to study and understand our partners, we will appreciate them and cherish their disparity.

Can I tell you one truth? It is almost impossible to find anyone you are not compatible with. The first and possibly the only requirement you should even be looking out for is: someone who has same belief system with you. For example, are both of you Christians? MOST OF THE PROBLEMS ENCOUNTERED IN RELATIONSHIPS ARE DUE TO DIFFERENCES IN BELIEF SYSTEM. Either the belief systems are different or someone is being fake in order to please another. You must get your belief system right.

Once the belief system is RIGHT, every other thing can be a work over. The basic similarity that ultimately counts is BELIEF SYSTEM. “Can two walk together except they be agreed...”

So, if you are already seeing someone who shares your belief system and your relationship is still going through challenges or the understanding process between you guys still seems quite impossible I just want you to know that you will come out of it.

Been there, done that and got my t-shirt...

Your belief system will help you manage all the challenges that inevitably comes with your uniqueness.

Most times, our fears are not real; they are just over-bloated and wrong perceptions of ‘the real thing’. Perhaps, if you start seeing your problems with the mentality of devising a solution and not an escape, you will realize it’s really not worth being scared about. There are folks who still have exit as an option to resolving crisis in their relationship, people like these will always experience difficulties. You must shut the exit door and face any fight. Scripture says: “a double minded man is unstable in all his ways...”

Perhaps, your biggest problems have been your fears about the fears that don’t truly exist. You may have encircled your mind with several ‘impossibility thoughts’. Thoughts like: When will he start telling me the truth? Will she ever have a change of habit? Can we ever get to truly appreciate ourselves? Will these inconsistencies ever end? Etc.

Friends, if your relationship must work, it is up to you. Fight for it, don’t fear for it.

Always remember this: the major requirement you should look out for in a partner is THE BELEIF SYSTEM. Don’t just connect with people because of beauty or tribe...

You can only get involved with the person if you perceive he or she sincerely shares in your belief system. Let your desires and expectations be centred on this.

Bear this in mind: ‘by their fruits, you will easily decode who a person really is’. That the person tells you he/she shares in your belief system isn’t enough. Watch out for the kind of fruits that their belief system is producing. What are those things they see as normal? What are their values? Do they have principles? Who are the people they believe in? Who do they call friend? If you like and agree with all these, go ahead.

I believe many folks are going through several degrees of depression and confusion, while some others have sworn never to trust or love again, because their partners faked and lied about their belief system; only to show their real ‘identity’ when the relationship got ‘heated’.

Furthermore, that he/she respects your belief system is not a good-enough reason to start anything with them. He/she has got to SHARE in it.

The bible at different time told us: ‘do not be yoked with unbelievers...’ and ‘can two people (successfully) walk together without agreeing on the direction?’

I am really sick of those “he/she will change” talks. Such believe don’t work anymore, just as it is not easy to predict rains. You can hope for everything else to change easily, not the belief system. That is the root of existence!

Love has never been blind; it isn't going to lose its sight because of you. Open your ‘eyes’ before committing your heart and trust to anyone. If you really understand the fragility of the human heart, you will be careful in your decisions.

I wish you the best of luck as you work with this wisdom that is able to save you from distractions and poor decisions.

Don’t forget that you cannot get anyone that’s 100% you; just get yourself someone who connects with you in beliefs.

You must happen!

© Sule Emmanuel, April 2008

ARTICLE LINKS

National Development

• How did we get here?
• Towards a better Nigeria
• Why we must all be interested in October 1st

Business Growth and Entrepreneurial Development

• Effective customer relationships
• Customer value is everything

Success Motivation

• Face your fight
• Bring something to the table
• In the face of challenges
• Do Something
• The SUPPORT Language

Relationship

• Who said I must be like you?